kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
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