The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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