HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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