I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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