i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
