i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize