I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
