Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
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