Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
