i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
