i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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