Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize