If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
