he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
My vagina is very pro this idea
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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