I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You are a genius and a whore.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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