i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Randomize
