I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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