i can't believe i had my finger in that
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm too high and old for this...
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
