I feel great
I just peed on a car
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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