So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
