Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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