Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I look better un-naked...
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize