there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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