I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
you had me at cake vodka
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you donโt have to recycle anymore ๐๐
Randomize