i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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