he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
