you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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