dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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