I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
