well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
