DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
