how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
