Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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