Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
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