made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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