So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
