Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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