I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
