that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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