drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
