Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
