Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize