so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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