Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
im calling her cock vulture from now on
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
