what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
