I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
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