I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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