so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
