Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize