Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize