boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Randomize
