i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
