Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
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