so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Randomize
