Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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