I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
