True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
