i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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