I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Even my vagina gasped.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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