i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Randomize
