and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
