i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
