well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Randomize
