Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
