Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize