it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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