I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
